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"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods, they have never forgotten this." -Unknown A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him." -Anonymous New research shows almost 20% of Americans share a bed with a pet. Another 20% sleep on the floor in a basket while the pets have the bed to themselves. Q. What do you get when cross the mailman with a cat? A. A really happy dog. Q: Did you hear about the cat that swallowed the duck? A: She became a duck-filled fatty-puss! Q. What do dogs call the toilet? A. The water fountain. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives ? "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." Q. What kind of dog does Dracula have? A. A Bloodhound Q.What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A. A sour-puss. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail ? He was trying to make both ends meet ! "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." - Mary Bly "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -- Edward Abbey Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Dogs and Cats A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! Genesis Reworded On the first day of creation, God created the cat.... On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.... On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.... On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.... On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.... On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.... On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox.... Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen! TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story? Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"? Dear God: If a! dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Pet Laws In Columbus Georgia , it is against the law for dogs to howl after 9 P.M Berea Kentucky law requires dogs on the streets after dark to display a red taillight. Florida law does not allow dogs to ride in a school bus. * .A law in Zion Illinois prohibits owners from teaching their dogs to smoke cigars. In Fox Point Wisconsin, dogs cannot travel in groups larger than two. The Belvedere California City Council passed a law that reads, "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." In North Carolina, it is against the law for a rabbit to race down the street. In North Carolina, it is against the law for dogs and cats to fight. Cats may not yowl after 9 PM in Columbus, Georgia. Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up telephone poles. Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. French Lick Springs, Indiana, Once passed a law requiring all black cats to wear bells on Friday the 13th. In Kentucky, Dogs are not allowed to attack or bother cats, though they can legally fight with each other. Top 10 Ways To Know Your Cat Is Too Fat 1. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens. 2. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz. 3. Cat door so large it needs a garage door opener 4. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky. 5. Only catches mice that get trapped in its gravitational pull. 6. Enormous belly keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed. 7. Has more chins than lives 8. Always lands on her spleen. 9. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches 10. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair. Law of Refrigerator Observation If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." - Anonymous Q. Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? A. He was trying to make both ends meet! Q. How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much? A. Buy a twenty-pound cat! . Dog property laws 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. "My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes." "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic" Nice Doggie One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?" To which the man replied, "Get in line." Q. What is a dog's favourite food ? A. Anything that is on your plate!
DOG GOES TO MOVIES I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of movie, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the movie. After the movie had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. It's remarkable!" "Yeah, it is," said the man. "He hated the book."
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. must try this on their bed. DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. They crossed a Collie and a Lhasa Apso. The new breed is a Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport. A Holy Affair A woman brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the veterinary clinic for inoculations and deworming. As the look alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the veterinarian realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. The veterinarian turned on the water faucet, wet her fingers, and moistened each dog's head when she had finished. After the fourth puppy, the veterinarian noticed the usually talkative woman had grown silent. As the veterinarian sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized." You Know You're a Cat Person When.... You do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair. You believe there is no such thing as a naughty cat. You decorate your christmas tree with dangly cat toys. Your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats." You set a place at the dinner table for your cat. You snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down. You know you're a cat person when..... You spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids. You have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine. You chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the catbox. You consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber. Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your cats are welcome to sleep on any piece they so choose You sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute! Vaccination and licensing records for all your cats are in perfect order, but your checkbook hasn't been balanced in months, and last year's tax records are nowhere to be found. You refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox." You accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor. You apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark. You refer to your cat as your furry child. Your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild." You plan your vacation around the cat show schedule. You accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name! You have a set of towels with "his" "hers" and "kitty's." You call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat. You and kitty have matching outfits. You never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.
Doggie Farts A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made" thought the young man, and ripped lose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he kills Cat Talk A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer. He heard a voice behind him saying, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He looked around and saw that he was the only customer in the place. So he shook his head and cotinued to enjoy his drink. Then he heard it again, "Hey, got any food to spare?" He once again looked around and noticed a cat looking directly at him. He got all excited and yelled to the bartender, "That cat can talk! Did you hear that cat talk? That cat can talk!" The bartender replied, "Mister, cats can't talk. Don't you know that? It's the dog over there. He's a ventriloquist." WENAEWE® Never before on the market has a natural, hypoallergenic, holistic, human-grade certified organic pet food been offered to our dogs and cats. No purer food can be purchased today. Let Pet Food Freebies send your free sample today The Pet Food Freebies Team |
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